i think i have two assholes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
