Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
