At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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