he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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