Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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