my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
