a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
