Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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