I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize