after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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