I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
