My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
3pm strippers are depressing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
