If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
