I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
