I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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