All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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