I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
