the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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