She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
