Cold hands, warm shart.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
