I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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