Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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