my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize