If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
