If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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