Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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