R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
