thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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