What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
