Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
