He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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