can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am naked and annoyed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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