I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize