Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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