textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
