You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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