Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
