You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
