You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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