I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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