So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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