Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
