11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
