You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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