I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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