I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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