I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
