I am puke
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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