she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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