im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
