I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
