I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sarcasm needs its own font
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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