oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
