the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
