My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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