Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
