Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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