I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
