He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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