my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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