So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize