Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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