Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
