and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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